


Heart Beats For You

by Writinginstardust



Category: The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Making Out, Secret Relationship, tiniest bit of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2020-02-29 04:18:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18771055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Writinginstardust/pseuds/Writinginstardust
Summary: Secret dating everyone's favourite prince.





	1. Chapter 1

“You know, one day we’re going to get caught,” I breathed out as Nikolai backed me up against the wall of his room.

“No we’re not. I’m far too clever for that.” He smirked against my neck and I couldn’t help rolling my eyes even knowing he couldn’t see it.

“Considering the excuse you just gave to bring me back here, I’m not sure you should be so confident in your abilities.”

“You’re questioning my abilities now are you?” He raised his head, that smirk still playing on his lips. “Would you like another demonstration of them to put your mind at rest?”

“Not quite what I was talking about but I’m not saying no.”

“Good. That is the reason I brought you here after all.”

“Oh really? With your hand up my shirt I couldn’t be sure.” Nikolai didn’t dignify that with a response past a lingering kiss. He pressed himself more firmly against me, trapping me against the cold stone wall as he parted my lips with his own and deepened the kiss. Just as his hands started getting a little more daring in their movements, a loud knock sounded at the door and he forced himself to pull away with a groan of frustration.

I quickly smoothed out Nikolai’s hair before straightening my clothes as he went to answer the door. Thankfully it was just Tolya, the one person in this place who wouldn’t ask questions or say a word if he noticed anything.

“Sorry, I know you and (Y/N) needed some time to discuss some…private matters? But your father has discovered Genya is here and sent guards to get her. We think you should probably come and handle this.”

“Saints…this is not going to be fun at all. Thank you for letting me know Tolya, bring everyone to the war room.” The large man nodded and left without another word. “One hour,” Nikolai lamented, shutting the door and turning back to me, “could I get just one hour of peace?”

“Apparently not.” I walked over and wrapped my arms around his waist, stretching up to press a soothing kiss to his jaw. “If you want, I can set something on fire after this is sorted out. Maybe that will keep them busy long enough to give us some time alone.”

“If only it were that easy, my love.” He kissed my forehead lightly before pulling out of my embrace and squeezing my hand comfortingly. “Meet me back at the war room in a few hours when everyone’s going to sleep. We can say we’re planning or something and, with everyone in bed, hopefully get some peace for a little while.”

“Sounds like a plan. Let’s go sort out this mess then.” With one last kiss and appearance check, we left the privacy of Nikolai’s room and returned to the normalcy of the spinning wheel. Let the facade of being nothing more than life-long friends drop back into place and acted as if we weren’t slipping away to make out in abandoned halls every chance we got.

It was fun sneaking around sometimes, the risk of getting caught adding some excitement to our relationship, but other times I wished more than anything that i could kiss him or hold his hand or seek comfort in his arms whenever I wanted, that I didn’t have to restrict my affection to those fleeting moments we could steal for ourselves. After 4 years together, 3 of those years of keeping it a secret, it was hard not to be tired of it.

There were so many reasons we hadn’t and simply couldn’t tell most people but it didn’t stop the longing. Even just to be able to tell our friends and get the teasing that always came from something as simple as a goodbye kiss would be a blessing, would make it all feel somehow more real. It was hard but I wouldn’t give up what Nikolai and I had for anything. If secrecy was the price for the way he looked at me when we were alone and the way he’d make me feel like the only thing that mattered in this world, then it was a price I’d pay without hesitation.

* * *

I perched on Nikolai’s desk, fidgeting nervously as I watched Alina and the others enter the room, all of them with heads held high. I didn’t know if their confidence was real or fake but either way I was proud. Nikolai leaned casually beside me though he looked troubled which worried me even more than the dark look on the King’s face. If  _he_  was looking concerned, things were bad.

“I didn’t ask to see this witch,” the King spat. Well we were off to a great start. “And why is your little pet still here? She has no business in these matters.” He turned a glare on me and I felt my anger rising. He’d never liked me, though I had no idea why, well I might have some idea, and the feeling was mutual. I found myself wondering how mad Nikolai would really be if I set fire to his father.

I was too preoccupied with the thought to pay attention to the next exchange but Genya’s “I have no betters here” brought me back and I had to resist the urge to cheer.

“If he cannot be tried for his failures as a King, let him be tried for his failures as a man.” I paled at Genya’s words as the King sputtered indignantly and argued with Nikolai. Knowing him and what he’d almost tried with me, I had a feeling I knew exactly what she’d endured at his hands. Whatever she’d done to him in return, I was glad of it.

“Genya Safin, you are accused of treason and attempted murder.”

“If I’d wanted him dead, he’d be dead.” I didn’t doubt it but I was surprised she didn’t want him dead. The idea certainly wasn’t unappealing to me. As she explained everything to us I felt worse and worse about never trying to be a better friend to her back in Os Alta. If I didn’t think she’d yell at me for pitying her, I would have given her a hug.

“Did he force you?” Nikolai asked and I could feel the tension radiating from him. Genya nodded and he turned to his father. “Did you?”

“She is a servant Nikolai. I didn’t have to force her.”

The small amount of control I was still holding onto went up in flames and my anger spilled over at his complete lack of remorse. I could feel the heat of the fire that engulfed my hands without looking down to see it and saw the fires lighting the room jump wildly. I knew from past experience that the glow of those flames reflected in my eyes while i was like this was slightly terrifying but I didn’t care. I got off the desk but only made it a step towards the King before Nikolai’s hand around my wrist stopped my progress. My flames flickered out as I turned to look at him.

“(Y/N), let me handle it,” he whispered. For a long moment I just looked at him as he pleaded with his eyes for me to calm down. Everyone was watching, most still shocked from my slip in control, but I hardly noticed.

“Alright.”

“Thank you.”

“Nikolai, control your pet.” I whipped back around to face the King and lifted a hand to send a whip of fire towards him but never got the chance.

“(Y/N)…” There was a warning in Nikolai’s tone and I lowered my hand and returned to my seat on the desk. “Father, do not speak to her like that or next time I may not stop her.” The King started to protest but Nikolai held up a hand and continued. “Genya Safin, when this war is over you will stand trial for your crimes against the crown.” She nodded but took it well. “Father, you are ill. You have served the crown and the people of Ravka and now it is time for you to rest. Tonight you will write a letter of abdication.”

He argued, of course, but he lost and was finally made to leave in defeat. He couldn’t resist one last cruel remark though. Pausing before Genya, his eyes roamed her face. “At least now you look like what you truly are,” he said. “Ruined.”

I gripped the desk to stop myself from storming over and slapping him, consequences be damned. I wasn’t the only one either. Mal stepped forward, Tamar reached for her axes, Tolya let out a growl, even Nikolai and Alina tensed up and I saw anger flash across their faces. Genya stopped anything we might have done with a hand and only then did I notice the smell of burning. I looked down to see my hands glowing against the wooden desk, tendrils of smoke curling up from between my fingers. I quickly pulled my hands away, revealing two hand-shaped scorch marks.

“I’ve really got to get more control of that,” I whispered to Nikolai as we both watched on. Genya said something that put real fear in the King’s eyes before he and the Queen were escorted out.

“Well, at least it’s not my bed sheets this time,” he replied just as softly, wanting as much as I to not interrupt the raw display of emotion going on between the others. I poked his side at the smirk he threw my way.

“That one was on you. …Did I hurt you?“ I looked down at his hand but it didn’t look like I’d burned him.

"No, I didn’t feel a thing.”

I breathed a sigh of relief and looked back at the others. To everyone’s shock David pulled Genya into a kiss and I felt a smile spread across my face. At least some good had come of all this. “Don’t be too harsh on her, she had good reason for doing what she did. I know it was bad but I think most people would have done the same in her position. I know I would have.”

“I’ll think about it. You seem to know more than I do about the particulars of her circumstances and I trust your judgement but she’ll still have to stand trial.”

“I understand, just don’t judge her too hastily.”

“I promise.”

“Thank you.” I took his hand and squeezed it, wishing more than anything that I could kiss him in thanks instead.

“Genya,” he raised his voice to get the attention of the others, “when this war is over you will have to face charges and I will decide if you are to be pardoned.”

“I don’t fear your justice mon tsar.” To my surprise, she bowed.

“I’m not King yet.”

“You might as well be.” I nudged his side gently, so proud of him for having done what was needed. He was going to be an amazing King. He rolled his eyes with a long-suffering sigh before gesturing to the door.

“You can all go.” Alina hesitated for a moment at his dismissal but ultimately left without another word. The door shut and Nikolai slumped down into a chair, finally letting down the mask of the composed leader he so often wore. “Did I do the right thing?”

I hesitated a moment before answering. It was impossible to really be sure until whatever the consequences of our choices came to fruition but I didn’t disagree with the path he’d chosen.

“I think so. You were right to send away your parents, I don’t think they’re in any fit state to rule and, much as I loathe your father, showing him mercy was the act of a worthy leader. You know my view on the Genya situation but I trust that you’ll do what’s best when we have to handle that as well.”

“I can’t imagine what it must have been like for her, how much she must have endured if my father’s health is any indication.” He raked a hand through his hair before dropping his head in his hands, muffling his next words. “Does it make me a bad person that I’m just glad it wasn’t you?”

“It almost was,” I said quietly, unable to meet his eyes as he whipped his head up to look at me.

“No…”

“It’s fine, nothing happened. I was young and terrified and not in control of my power…I set myself on fire and burned his hand. He never tried again after that.”

“It’s not fine but thank you for telling me. I’m sorry you had to experience that.” He stood and pulled me into a hug which finally helped me relax. I hadn’t even realised quite how tense I’d been during that meeting but now, wrapped in Nikolai’s arms, everything felt okay again.


	2. Chapter 2

Hours later the halls were quiet as I made my way back to the war room to meet Nikolai. I felt like a teenager sneaking out while their parents slept to meet a lover no one would approve of, and I suppose that wasn’t far from the truth. It was unlikely Ravka would accept its King being with a relative commoner, even if that commoner was a powerful Grisha like me, well unless that common-born Grisha was also a Saint. It was something that always occupied a corner of my mind - what would happen to our relationship when this war was finally over. Nikolai claimed not to care, that if he wanted to be with me then no-one was going to stop him, but he loved our country too much to do anything that might cause any more problems. That was exactly why we hadn’t told anyone.

“If you think any harder you’re going to give yourself a headache.” Nikolai’s voice startled me out of my head and I looked up to see him leaning casually in the doorway. “You don’t look happy, what’s on your mind?”

I shrugged and hoped that would be the end of it but was clearly all out of luck today as Nikolai frowned, seeing right through me. There were, occasionally, downsides to having someone know you better than you sometimes know yourself. He closed and locked the door before crossing the room and taking a seat, gently pulling me down onto his lap in the process and wrapping his arms around me.

“What is it? Are you worrying about the future again?” I nodded. It would be pointless to lie, the fact that he’d brought it up at all meant he already knew. “We’ll find a way, I promise. Whatever happens, I’m not going to stop loving you. This country and this war has taken so much already and I’m not going to let it take you away from me. You’ve been the fire that’s lit up even my darkest days and, call me selfish but I don’t particularly want to part with that. Maybe that’s what Ravka needs after all this is over anyway, a little bit of light. Maybe they need you, even if they don’t know it yet.”

“How do you always manage to be so optimistic about all this?”

“Because if I wasn’t then we’d have two pessimists running this place and that would be a disaster.”

“Not a pessimist, just practical,” I mumbled.

“I know, I know. It’s pretty simple really though; I simply refuse to entertain the notion of not being with you. I don’t care what it takes, I’m not letting anything take this away from either of us.”

“But-”

“Uh-uh, no buts. Stop worrying about this, at least for now, we’re a long way from needing to think seriously about it and you already worry far too much.”

“Nikolai, we’re at war, of course I’m worried about everything, I’d be insane not to be.”

“Yes but I’m basically King now so those should be my worries not yours. Right now all  _you_ need to concern yourself is kissing me and letting me take care of you.” His voice got distinctly lower and huskier on that last point and it sent a shiver down my spine.

“Is that a King’s command or a lover’s request?” I just about managed to keep my composure long enough to get that out even though Nikolai’s breath on my neck and wandering hands were doing a very good job of crumbling it.

“Does it matter? I think we both know you’re not going to refuse either way.” And damn him, he was right. I’d been waiting for and craving this all day, desperate for it after having been apart for weeks, I had no intention of doing anything else.

When our lips met the whole world melted away. The war, the future, the Darkling, Ravka, none of it mattered at all. All that existed for me was Nikolai and the love I had for him.

We stayed there for hours. Sometimes kissing, sometimes just talking, a few times doing things that would have my cheeks burning every time we had to have an actual meeting, but mostly just taking advantage of every moment we had alone. We’d told everyone we were studying Morozova’s journals and we actually did for a while, eventually falling asleep hand-in-hand on top of piles of books that would repay us with sore necks in the morning. It was the worst night’s sleep I’d had in a while and everyone could tell the next morning but I couldn’t bring myself to be bothered by it when the wake up I’d received was so wonderful. All was forgotten anyway when we stepped out into the chilly morning air and watched Alina chop the top off a mountain.

* * *

I spent most of the day keeping the Spinning Wheel running smoothly, like usual, and arranging Sergei’s transportation to Duva. I couldn’t say I was sorry to see him go after the trouble he’d caused revealing Genya’s identity. I still hadn’t decided whether it was a good idea to tell Nikolai I’d known or not. I’d been tempted to say something as soon as I’d seen her but for some reason hadn’t. It didn’t really matter now anyway. What was done was done and if I had to think about it all anymore I was going to end up with a permanent headache.

It was getting late and I’d just finished overseeing the  _Ibis’s_  departure when I was dragged off into a hallway that led to nowhere and pressed up against a wall, a hand covering my mouth to muffle my noise of surprise. The hand moved away but before I could say a word soft lips were on my own. My brain finally kicked back in after the initial surprise and I registered the person’s height, their familiar scent, the hard lines of their body which I had become  _very_  well-acquainted with. Still I pulled away for a moment, if only to tease him.

“What? Do I not even get a ‘hi, how was your day?’ before you take me up against the nearest wall?”

“I would have gotten to it eventually,” Nikolai huffed. “Besides, can you blame me? I’ve barely seen you today and you look positively sinful in those new trousers.  _Very_  well-fitted.” And as if he simply couldn’t help himself, Nikolai’s hands slid from my waist to settle firmly against my ass, pressing our hips closer in the process. A startled moan slipped out of me at the sensation and Nikolai grinned triumphantly. “Does that mean I get to continue?”

“It might have if you didn’t insist on being so smug about it.” He pouted childishly and I couldn’t help chuckling at how cute he managed to look. “How’s this; we go get dinner because I’m starving and if you behave yourself maybe I’ll let you have dessert later?” His pout spread into a pleased smile and he kissed me once - hard and full of promises I would most definitely hold him to, twice - softer but playful and teasing, three times - gentle, lingering, and full of love, before pulling away.

“Let’s get dinner then shall we?”

As it happened, Nikolai did behave himself and I was left exhausted but beyond satisfied by the early hours of the morning. After several minutes of laying tucked into Nikolai’s side with his fingers tracing patterns on my waist as we tried to catch our breath, I shifted and sat up, searching around for something to put on. My eyes caught on white fabric at the end of Nikolai’s bed and I crawled over to it, pulling on what turned out to be Nikolai’s shirt rather than my own before I stood to find some pants. Groans of protest and more followed me from where Nikolai still refused to move.

“What are you doing (Y/N)?” He asked as I finally located my underwear and the tight trousers that had got me here in the first place. I pulled them on quickly as Nikolai turned and propped himself up on one arm. He looked positively divine, hair a mess and skin glowing beneath a thin layer of sweat, like temptation personified. My movements faltered for a moment as I briefly considered hopping right back into bed with him and letting him kiss me senseless as he seemed to enjoy doing so much, and maybe let him do a bit more than that all over again. But I couldn’t, we both had work to do and Morozova’s journals weren’t going to read themselves.

“Getting dressed, what does it look like?” I finally answered before starting the search for my own shirt.

“I can see that, but why?”

“Because I’m not going to sit and study those saints forsaken journals completely naked.”

“I think you should, it would make the experience far more enjoyable, for me anyway. It’s late though, why don’t we just sleep? It is the sensible thing to do at this hour.” It was a feeble protest and Nikolai did finally pull himself out of bed and start getting dressed as well, totally aware of just how important it was to try and find anything useful in the quest for the firebird.

“Unfortunately we can’t and it’s entirely your fault.”

“How so, darling?”

“You’re the one who decided to spend  _hours_  doing something else.”

“I don’t recall hearing any complaints from you,” he teased, pulling out a fresh shirt as it became apparent mine had vanished completely and he wouldn’t be getting the one I currently wore back.

“No,” I stepped up to him with a grin and pressed a quick kiss to his lips, “no complaints here at all.”

About 5 minutes into attempting to make some sort of sense of Morozova’s scrawl I managed to fall asleep. It was hardly surprising really, it had been a long day and I hadn’t exactly got a lot of sleep the night before. I stirred a little while later as I felt a pair of strong arms lift me from Nikolai’s armchair and proceed to carry me down the hall to my own room. I snuggled deeper into Nikolai’s warmth and turned my head slightly to press my lips to his neck, not caring that anyone could see through my sleepy haze.

I mumbled what was supposed to be a ‘what are you doing?’ but came out more as a string of mostly indecipherable noises against his skin and flicked my bleary eyes up to meet his. They were soft and sparkling in the faint glow of the lamps lining the hall and I could feel myself getting lost in them. A yawn broke the little trance and I couldn’t force my eyes back open when it ended, instead opting to settle more comfortably in Nikolai’s arms.

“It’s almost 3 so I’m taking you to bed.”

“Wha…‘bout…journals?”

“I’ll finish looking through them on my own, you need to sleep.”

“…shou…help.”

“Not tonight.” He reached the door to my room and a soldier who happened to be wandering past opened it for us, Nikolai thanking her quietly before slipping inside. He set me gently on the bed, pulling off my trousers so I wouldn’t be uncomfortable before tucking the blankets over me and pressing his lips softly against my forehead.

“Good night (Y/N),” he whispered against my skin.

“-love you.” I slipped back into the realm of sleep just as the words left my lips and missed Nikolai say it back but I knew he did anyway, he always did.

* * *

A loud, insistent knocking woke me the next morning and I reluctantly dragged myself out of the comfort of my bed to answer it. It took me a moment to adjust my tired eyes to the morning light and register exactly who was there but finally I recognised Tamar waiting semi-patiently in the doorway.

“Hi?” I said, confused by her presence as my mind had still yet to fully wake up.

“Did I wake you? We’re all waiting for you in the war room.”

“Huh?” That cleared nothing up.

“To plan our trip to find the firebird? Alina and Nikolai want you there, remember?” Oh.  _Oh._

“Shit.” Well at least I was awake now. “Okay, give me 2 minutes.” I pushed the door to but didn’t bother shutting it properly as I pulled on my trousers from yesterday and quickly changed my shirt. A brush did little to help the mess that was my hair and I was pretty sure I probably didn’t smell great after last night but there was nothing that could be done about it now. I didn’t think they’d appreciate putting off the meeting so I could have a bath.

“Alright, sorry, let’s go.”

“Don’t worry about it. I take it you had a good night then?” Tamar’s smile told me exactly what she was getting at even if I hadn’t guessed from her words.

“What gives you that idea?”

“Well you obviously haven’t slept much and you answered the door in just your underwear and a shirt that  _clearly_  wasn’t yours. Also, and don’t be offended, but you kind of smell like you spent most of the night in someone else’s bed.”

“Saints, it was that obvious?” She nodded. “Do you think everyone else will be able to tell?”

“I’d say there’s a definite possibility. No one’s going to judge you for it though,  _I_ just want to know who the lucky guy was.”

“I’m not telling.”

“Fine, keep your secrets.” She smirked. “Was it good though?” I couldn’t help smiling myself as I remembered the previous night. This was nice too, to be able to talk to a friend about it, something normal for once.

“It was  _very_  good,” I said as we finally reached the war room. As Tamar had suspected, everyone could tell why I’d overslept the second I entered the room and I was treated to 4 knowing smirks, none more pleased than Nikolai himself. I shot him a glare when everyone moved their attention from me but he simply grinned wider and winked before turning back to the others to start planning.

It was past noon when we were finally done and I couldn’t wait to go and take my long, hot bath, but there was still one more thing I needed to discuss with Nikolai first.

“You should give Alina the ring,” I blurted once everyone else had left for lunch. Nikolai sighed and leaned against his desk, regarding me for a moment before responding.

“Why?”

“Because you know how this has to end. You can deny it to yourself and to me as much as you like but you know the truth as well as I. The alliance, her power, you’re both beloved to the people so they’d accept her as Queen and it would put potential allies minds at ease.”

“But it doesn’t have to end with me marrying Alina, it never has.”

“Stop being stubborn! I hate it as much as you do but making sacrifices is part of our job.”

“No. Not this. I won’t sacrifice this. I’ve told you a hundred times we  _will_  find another way.” I could see his frustration growing and he was gripping the edge of his desk so hard I was worried it was going to break. 3 steps brought me before him and I reached out to cup his face, stroking my thumbs softly over his cheeks.

“Nikolai, we’re running out of time and we’re running out of options. We need the alliance with West Ravka, if you and Alina are together, it just might convince them.” He turned his face and kissed my palm before wrapping me in his arms and pulling me close.

“I hate it when you’re right. Alright, I’ll give her the ring but that doesn’t mean I have to marry her. It can just be for show.“

“So, so stubborn.” I shook my head at him but couldn’t help my smile. “That’s good enough for now but this conversation isn’t over. You’ll see sense.”

“Nothing’s going to change you know.”

“I guess we’ll see.”


	3. Chapter 3

Tamar didn’t make it far after the meeting before realising she’d left behind some of the plans she meant to double check. She quickly turned back and reentered the war room just as Nikolai and (Y/N) were pulling out of a hug. The looks on their faces said that whatever conversation they’d been having or about to have was important but something neither really wanted to discuss.

"Sorry, did I interrupt?” She asked as she hovered uncertainty in the doorway.

“No, I was just about to go actually,” (Y/N) replied, sounding ever so slightly flustered. “I’ll see you at dinner,” she said to Nikolai before hurrying out of the room, presumably to eat or bathe.

“Did you need something?” Nikolai asked.

“No, I left some stuff behind, Mal and I were going to go over the plans a couple more times to make sure everything’s good.” She grabbed the papers in question and headed back towards the door but paused before leaving as an idea came to mind. “Say, you wouldn’t happen to know anything about (Y/N)’s love life would you? She was very secretive about it and it’s got me curious.”

“I might know a thing or two,” he replied, that unbearably smug grin spreading across his face.

“Could I convince you to tell me? Maybe start with who it is?”

“Ah, I’m afraid I can’t tell you that.”

“Why not? You don’t know?”

“I know the guy, very well actually, but I’m slightly frightened of the prospect of her setting me on fire if I tell.” After seeing (Y/N) in action on several occasions, Tamar could understand that particular fear. “What I can tell you though is that they’ve been together a long time and he loves her more than anything. He’s told me there’s no other girl for him and he wants to be with her forever.”

“Sounds like a romantic. Why is it so secret then, and why hasn’t he proposed yet?”

“There’s some…potential issues with that, a lot of people might not approve. He doesn’t care but (Y/N)’s worried about it.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“I know, she’s always put everything before her own happiness though and she cares too much about what it could mean for him.”

“Damn. He should do it anyway. (Y/N)’s amazing, he’s a lucky man.”

“He sure is.” Nikolai had a wistful smile as he said that and Tamar furrowed her brow in confusion but decided not to question it.

“Well, I should get going, I can hear food calling me.”

“Of course. I need to talk to Alina anyway. Enjoy your lunch.”

“Thanks, enjoy…whatever you spend your time doing.” And Tamar left.

* * *

I watched Nikolai and Alina from the mess hall while I ate a quick lunch, my hunger having won out over my need of a bath. I saw her shock as Nikolai handed her the admittedly impressive ring and watched as later she attempted to return it to him. Too stubborn, the both of them. I sighed and rose to seek the out the peace of the baths, at least there I could escape from stubborn leaders and needy soldiers for a while.

After dinner Genya and Tamar invited me back to the girls room to hang out with them for a while. I figured Tamar was probably after more details about last night but i was more than happy to come along anyway. Not long after we arrived, Alina knocked on the door and brought us back to her room. The clothes Nikolai had picked out for her covering almost every inch of space. The girls had a great time picking out dresses for a bit before Alina brought up the ring.

“There’s something else,” she said and set it on  the table. The girls looked at it in shock and awe, Genya finally asking what everyone was thinking.

“Did he propose?”

“Not exactly,” Alina admitted. I sighed and threw my head back against the seat I’d been leaning on. I’d hoped he might just do it after our talk but apparently not. She turned to me at the movement, a brow raised. “You knew, didn’t you?”

“I did. He  _was_  supposed to propose properly.”

“Why didn’t he then?” Tamar asked.

“I have no idea.” I hoped they couldn’t see through my lie.

“Will you say yes?” Zoya questioned as she set down the ring.

“He didn’t actually propose.”

“But if what (Y/N) says is true, then he will.”

“Maybe. I don’t know.” I couldn’t help being slightly pleased at that. I may have been the one insisting this was how it had to be but it didn’t mean I had to like it. Zoya snorted and told Alina she’d never hated her more, getting what I suspected was a much-needed laugh from the girl.

“It would be something special,” said Tamar, “to have a Grisha on the throne.” She glanced over at me briefly and I froze, she must have figured it out somehow, or at least be suspicious.

“She’s right,” added Genya. “To be the ones to rule instead of just to serve.” They all wanted a Grisha Queen and I couldn’t disagree. A Grisha on the throne, it really would be amazing, and if I could get Nikolai and Alina to stop being so stubborn, maybe it could happen.

I’d been in my head for too long and didn’t notice the girls joking around with a  _very_  revealing lacy dress until Tamar addressed me directly.

“Maybe (Y/N) should take it, I’m sure her man would love to see her in it.” There was a glint in her eye that said I was definitely not getting out without giving her the information she wanted. She was right about the dress though, Nikolai  _would_  love it.

“Oooh, and Who might that be?” Zoya asked and all the girls were suddenly very interested in me.

“He will remain nameless.”

“That’s no fun,” Nadia frowned at me.

“So that’s why you looked like you hadn’t slept a wink this morning,” Genya grinned and I felt my cheeks burning.

“I thought you’d said you and Nikolai were going to look through Morozova’s journals last night.” Alina looked mock betrayed at my ‘lack of commitment’ but her smile told me she didn’t care much.

“I did that too!” I protested.

“Must have been a  _very_  long night then.”

“It was sooo I should probably go and get some sleep.” I stood and started to make my escape.

“Run away all you like, we  _will_  be getting those details out of you sooner or later.” Genya called after me.

“Don’t hold your breath,” I yelled back.

* * *

“Okay, who’s helping me figure out who (Y/N)’s dating?” Genya asked after (Y/N) had made her escape. Nadia, Tamar, and Alina volunteered immediately, all of them intrigued by the girl’s unusual secretiveness. Only Zoya didn’t.

“Don’t get me wrong, I want to know too, but I’m not willing to put the effort in myself. Let me know when you figure it out.“

"We should ask Nikolai,” Nadia suggested. “They’re so close, he’s bound to know something.”

“Way ahead of you. I asked him this morning but he won’t tell.”

“What about some of his rogue Grisha? Or the soldiers?”

“You’re a genius. Nikolai said they’ve been together for a while so there’s no way someone around here hasn’t noticed something.” Tamar pulled Nadia into a kiss that had everyone averting their eyes until it was over. “I’m going to ask around, anyone want to help?”

“Count me in,” Genya said and Nadia nodded her agreement.

“Alright, let’s go.” They said goodbye to Alina and Zoya and left.

“So who do we ask?” Nadia questioned as they scanned the Spinning Wheel for anyone who looked like they could know something.

“Nikolai said to talk to someone called Nevsky if we ever needed anything? He sounds like a good bet.” Genya said.

“Let’s try him first then.” Tamar wandered over to the closest soldier. “Hi, we’re looking for Nevsky, you wouldn’t happen to know where he is, would you?”

“You’re in luck,” the soldier said and pointed over to the mess hall. “Busy day so it’s a late dinner for him. He’s the one in the blue coat.”

“Thank you.” She gestured to the others to follow her over to where Nevsky sat with a couple of guards and Grisha.

“Ah, Tamar, Genya, and Nadia is it? What can I do for you?”

“We’ve got a few questions we think you might be able to help with. You practically run this place when Nikolai and (Y/N) aren’t around right?”

“I do.”

“So you know almost everything that goes on around here.”

“I suppose so.”

“Great,” Genya was beaming, “so who’s (Y/N) hooking up with?” Nevsky almost choked on his mouthful of food, clearly not expecting that.

“I…uh…don’t know actually. I wasn’t aware she was with anyone. The only person I see her with with any frequency is Nikolai but I doubt it’s him, they broke up a few years ago.”

“Wait, (Y/N) and Nikolai were together!?” Tamar asked in shock. Nadia, Genya, and a few of the others at the table seemed just as surprised by this information but Nevsky just nodded as if everything was completely normal. “That girl is  _really_  good at keeping secrets.”

“You can ask around the soldiers,” Nevsky suggested. “They’re always gossiping so they could know something that might help but I’ve got nothing, sorry.”

“Thanks for the tip.” The girls stood and left Nevsky to his dinner, splitting up to question whoever else they could find. Unfortunately, no one seemed to know anything though the one guard who got fidgety when Tamar asked her definitely knew more than she was letting on.

“I’m calling it,” said Genya when the three met back up. “We’re not getting anywhere with this.”

“You’re right. Either no one knows or they’re all very good liars. We’re not going to get the answers we want,” Nadia agreed. “I think it’s time we give up and go to bed.”

Tamar still had a suspicion that at least one of the soldiers knew something but it was getting later and later and she had to agree that sleep was starting to sound very good. She said goodnight and kissed Nadia goodbye before heading back to her own room, mind still trying to figure out the mystery.  

* * *

“You,” I pointed an accusing finger at Nikolai as I barged into his room, “are so going to pay for-” the threat died on my lips as I caught sight of him. He’d just bathed and still had water dripping from his hair and running down his chest. I watched one droplet intently as it slid down his toned stomach and disappeared beneath the towel wrapped around his waist. All these years and still I wasn’t used to this, to him.

“For what?” He raised an eyebrow. “Something the matter?”

“No, I mean yes.” I shook my head to clear my thoughts. “Thanks to you everyone knows I have a secret relationship and they won’t stop asking about it.”

“Do you want me to be sorry for everything I did last night?” He asked, his smirk telling me he already knew my answer.

“…No. You could be sorry for acting so smug about it though.”

“I could…but where’s the fun in that?”

“You’re unbearable.”

“Unbearably handsome?” He winked and walked over to shut the door I’d left open in my surprise.

“Just unbearable.”

“I’m hurt.” He stepped up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist, hands sneaking under the hem of my shirt. Pressed flush against my back he was doing a good job of overwhelming my senses as he leaned in to brush his lips over my neck. “Now, did you come here just to tell me off or is there something else you’d like from me?” The sultry tone in his voice sent heat rushing through me and I groaned, part from his insinuation and part out of irritation at my scolding being derailed.

“Must you insist on distracting me from why I came to talk to you?”

“Did you come to come to try and convince me to be sensible and propose to Alina?”

“Among other things, yes.”

“Then I will insist. Personally, I think you could use some distraction anyway but I can stop if you’d like?” He didn’t though, just kept leaving teasing kisses up the length of my throat.

“No,” I sighed. “You’re right. Distract me, please.”

“It would be my pleasure, darling.” And mine it would seem.

I fell asleep soon after, trusting that one night without returning to my own room would do no harm. Sleeping in Nikolai’s arms wasn’t a luxury I could indulge in often and rational thought was no match for how much I wanted it.

Of course it was just our luck that someone would come knocking in the middle of the night.

“Nikolai, sorry to wake you but this is urgent.” Tamar said after Nikolai had thrown on some clothes and answered the door.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’ll let Alina explain. Meet us in the galley as soon as you’re ready, I’ll go fetch (Y/N)…” Her brows rose as I shifted in Nikolai’s bed and she realised I was there. “Oh…she’s here?”

I could see the cogs turning in her head and just hoped Nikolai thought of a good reason. Saints knows I was too tired to.

“Yes, we had some things to discuss and she fell asleep here so I let her stay.” Well it was as good an excuse as any.

“…Okay. Well that makes my job easier. Don’t be long, Alina and David are getting antsy.”

“We’ll be right up.” Tamar nodded and left though not before eyeing me suspiciously once more.

“For saints sake, can I get just one good night’s sleep?” I groaned.

“Apparently not. Isn’t leadership fun?” Nikolai tossed me my shirt from where it had been left on his armchair and I realised that most of my clothes had been left strewn around the room. Hopefully Tamar hadn’t noticed.

“No. I hate it.”

“That’s the spirit. Come on, we better not keep them waiting.


	4. Chapter 4

Tamar kept quiet throughout most of their meeting, her focus and curiosity on the Prince and his sleepy right hand. She hadn’t failed to notice the clothes that had been haphazardly discarded around Nikolai’s room when she’d come to get him or that some of them didn’t appear to be his, and was almost certain by now that he and (Y/N) were together. It would explain a lot, especially the secrecy.

Alina had barely finished explaining what they’d discovered before (Y/N) began drifting off, casually leaning her head on Nikolai’s shoulder. He didn’t even seem to notice, carrying on with the conversation and strategizing as if it happened every day. For all she knew, it did.

When he moved to pour himself another cup of tea the movement dislodged the girl and she ended up laying with her head cushioned in Nikolai’s lap, only the faintest grumbling indicating that she’d noticed at all. She was unconscious again in minutes. Again Nikolai paid the situation and contact no mind but occasionally ran a gentle hand through her hair. That about did it for Tamar. They were definitely more than friends. It wasn’t what she’d expected but she the more she thought about it, the more she realised they were pretty much perfect for each other. And she couldn’t deny they were cute, not with the proof of that sitting right in front of her.

Satisfied that the mystery was solved she diverted her full attention back to the matter at hand.

They planned for the rest of the night, through the small hours of the morning and into a new dawn. Tamar was exhausted by the time they’d finished but it was straight back to work for her and everyone else. The only one who seemed to have any energy left was (Y/N) as Nikolai had allowed her to sleep through the whole thing. She might have resented her for it a bit if the girl hadn’t looked in sore need of sleep for days.

As Nikolai left to write letters, (Y/N) to oversee preparations for the  _Kingfisher’s_ arrival and departure, and Alina to see Baghra, Tamar headed back to her shared room to take a nap. Saints knows she needed it. She might have slept all the way through lunch if Tolya hadn’t woken her coming to take his own nap.

“It’s Nikolai,” she said, not bothering to greet her friends as she joined them in the mess hall.

“What?” Alina furrowed her brow, confused by Tamar’s abruptness.

“The person (Y/N)’s been seeing, it’s Nikolai.”

“If you don’t mind me asking, have you lost your mind?” Zoya asked, clearly not believing it. Looking at the faces of the others, she wasn’t alone.

“He literally proposed to Alina yesterday, why on Earth do you think it’s him?” Genya questioned. Alina was frowning as if thinking it through and her face was beginning to show signs of understanding.

“If you recall, he didn’t actually propose to me,” she said slowly. “Just… gave me the ring.”

“But that was as good as a proposal and (Y/N) said it herself. He  _was_  going to propose.” Zoya pointed out.

“But he  _didn’t,_ and that would explain why.”

“I have to admit, it seemed more like it was an obligation than something he chose.” Alina paused and looked to Tamar. “It’s not much evidence though, I assume you’re going on more than that?”

“Oh I definitely am.”

“Alright then, tell us.”

And so Tamar explained everything that had led her to her conclusion. The fact that they were far too good friends, especially for two people who had a romantic past, the hug and flustered (Y/N) she’d walked in on in the war room, the silent conversations they’d had when Genya had confronted the King. How she’d found (Y/N) the morning after Sergei had left, the fact that she was supposedly studying with Nikolai the night before, the wistfulness in Nikolai’s voice when he’d told her about why there’d been no proposal. She revealed how just last night (Y/N) had been sleeping in Nikolai’s bed, the female clothes she’d seen tossed haphazardly around the room, how tender she’d noticed him being while (Y/N) slept through their meeting.

“And to top it all off, no one around here - and bear in mind that these are the people who spend every day with her - can think of anyone they see her spend any time with. Except Nikolai.”

“ _Saints_ , I think you’re right,” Alina breathed out once Tamar had finished talking. Nadia, Genya, and Zoya were all staring dumbfounded at the revelation but were clearly all starting to accept that it was true.

“It all makes so much sense, how did none of us notice  _anything_ though?” Genya asked. “And why did he give Alina the ring if he’s in love with (Y/N)?” They all thought for a moment.

“Alina, didn’t you say it seemed more like something he had to do than something he wanted to?” Tamar asked and Alina nodded. “Then I think I might know why. (Y/N) knew he was meant to propose and she was definitely lying when she said she didn’t know why he hadn’t right? Well I was talking to Nikolai and he said that whoever she was with hadn’t proposed, even though he wants to, because (Y/N) was worried a lot of people wouldn’t approve of them together, because of her. She puts everyone first and I think she told Nikolai to propose to you because tactically and politically it’s a smart move even if it hurts her and isn’t what he wants.”

“Well I’m going to have to do something about that,” Alina said after a moment. “They deserve to be happy and I’ve always hoped that if I married, I’d marry for love anyway. It wouldn’t be love for me with Nikolai.”

“You’re far more noble than I,” Zoya smirked. “Sod true love, I’ll take the ring and the handsome prince that comes with it.” They all stared at her for a moment. It was a very Zoya thing to say but even she loved (Y/N) so they were all a little surprised. “I’m kidding, I wouldn’t be as courteous if was any of you though.” That was more like it.

“So you’re going to give him the ring back then?” Genya finally asked.

“I am. I just hope (Y/N)’s got a strong wrist. This thing is huge and I expect to see her wearing it very soon.”

* * *

It was evening when I awoke from the nap I’d decided to take not long after lunch. After several nights of almost no sleep I desperately needed it but I also needed to talk to Nikolai after he’d interrupted me last night. I found him in the war room writing yet more letters.

“What can I do for you, my dear?” He asked after I shut the door behind me, not looking up from whatever he was writing.

“We need to talk about Alina and the ring again.” He sighed and finally stopped writing.

“We’ve been over this…”

“You need to do it, properly this time. We need the strength of that alliance more than ever now, especially after what Alina told us last night.” I had to fight to keep my voice steady as I felt my heart breaking in my chest. Despite what I’d been saying and how much I’d been pushing for him to do what needed to be done, I’d harboured a tiny shred of hope that Nikolai really would find another option but our time was up, nothing was coming to save us from this fate and now we had to face it and do what needed to be done.

“(Y/N) I…”

“It’s okay, it’s what we signed up for. I’m thankful for the time we had but now we have to do our duty.” Tears threatened to fall and I took a steadying breath. They would only make this needlessly harder. “Do it tonight,” I said before heading for the door where I paused. “I love you Nikolai, and I think I always will. Don’t ever forget that.” And before he had a chance to respond, I left.

I contemplated hiding out in my room for the night and crying but there was no use in it now. Instead I made my way up to the Spinning Wheel, just as a flash of light crossed the sky. Then another. And another. A meteor shower. I itched to get Nikolai so we could watch it together as we had many times before but I couldn’t and that’s when it really hit me. Everything I’d taken for granted for so long now was gone and I had to adjust to life without Nikolai by my side at every step.

I let the tears fall down my cheeks as I watched more and more lights streak through the sky. It was as if the sky wept with me. Mourned for the love that was sacrificed tonight. I walked outside onto one of the terraces, not bothering to pick up a coat, and looked to the sky. There, alone in the dark, with nothing but the stars for company and my flames to keep we warm, I let myself crumble and when at last I was done I picked up the pieces and tried to put myself back together again. There were bits missing where Nikolai used to be but I rebuilt enough that when he came to join me he found a person rather the fragments of one.

* * *

Alina felt her jaw drop as she and Nikolai entered the Spinning Wheel and she caught sight of the stars falling around her.

“Meteor shower,” Nikolai supplied as he walked her through the crowds of of people watching the skies from the floor.

“It’s beautiful,” she breathed out.

“I told you I had a lot of money.”

“So you arrange celestial events now?”

“As a sideline.” They stood and watched the stars for a moment before Nikolai led her off to one side where there was a little more privacy. He was tense and Alina knew he didn’t want to do whatever he was going to.

“Alina, on the very slim chance that we survive the next few weeks, I’m going to ask you to be my wife.” He stared straight ahead as he said it and Alina didn’t look at him either. She’d suspected this was coming but it was harder than she’d thought it would be. The strain he couldn’t hide in his voice hurt her to hear, knowing that he wanted something else,  _someone_  else, but would sacrifice his happiness for the sake of his country.

“No,” she said quite simply.

“I’m sorry?” He did face her then, clearly not having been expecting such a blunt refusal.

“You don’t have to do this, you know.” He furrowed his brow. “I could lead the Second Army, and you could have pretty much any girl you want.” She gave him a pointed look which he somehow didn’t notice, continuing with the act as if he hadn’t been making it obvious he didn’t want this.

“A Shu princess? A Kerch banker’s daughter? A Ravkan heiress?”

“Or another Grisha like Zoya…”

“Zoya?” He was startled at that.

“Or perhaps…(Y/N)?” He froze, his confident mask dropping, though she wouldn’t have noticed had she not been looking at him.

“Tragically unavailable to the attentions of a prince I’m afraid.”

“Nikolai, you can stop pretending. I know you’re in love with her and I know about your ‘secret’ relationship.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, my dear.”

“Yes. You do.” She pulled the ring out of her pocket and pressed it into his hands. “I won’t accept this ring just as I won’t accept any proposal from you.”

“I told you you could keep it anyway.”

“It’s not mine to keep.” She smiled up at him. “This ring, like this,” she tapped a finger against his chest, right over his heart, “belongs to someone else. She’s an overpowered Grisha too but she’s not me.”

“Alina…”

“Don’t try to argue, I know this is what you want. If we were to marry, none of us would ever truly be happy. You said that maybe in time we could be but we both know that’s not the case. The four of us would spend the rest of our lives longing for a love we couldn’t have and maybe you could live with your own heartache and maybe I could live with mine but neither of us would be able to live with  _theirs_.” She paused and looked him dead in the eye, something fierce burning in her own. “Go to her, give her the ring, marry her when this war ends. Let this love story be one with a happy ending.”

“She’ll tell me not to, that we have to do what’s best for Ravka.”

“Ravka will accept her as queen, they’ll adore her. She’s exactly what the people need. You both are.”

“Thank you.” It was the most sincere he’d ever sounded and she smiled.

“Make her happy, Nikolai.” She lightly shoved him in the direction of the west terrace where to floating balls of flame were flickering, the indicator of a certain overpowered inferni. Nikolai threw one last smile over his shoulder at her before stepping out into the cold and hopefully into a future with the girl he loved.

* * *

“Hi,” Nikolai said as he stepped up beside me.

“Hi,” I whispered back. I couldn’t look at him, not without falling apart all over again, so I watched the stars instead.

“It’s a bit cold out to not be wearing a coat, don’t you think?” I let the flames encompassing my hands snake all the way up my arms, their heat comforting rather than burning me just as it always had.

“I think I’ll be okay.” A small smirk managed to find its way onto my face and I was surprised at how easy it actually was to smile like nothing was wrong. I just hoped that in the dark he couldn’t see how my eyes were red-rimmed from crying.

“I don’t doubt that. Somehow you’re always okay.” If only he knew how wrong he was.

“And somehow you always are too.” I nudged his side. It was quiet for a long moment as we watched the sky, neither of us quite sure how this new relationship should work.

“It really is spectacular, isn’t it?” Nikolai finally said.

“It’s beautiful. I’ve never quite managed to get used to it.”

“True beauty never stops taking your breath away, no matter how many times you see it.” I had a feeling he wasn’t talking about the stars anymore but I couldn’t let us wander back down that path no matter how easy it might be or how strong the pull.

“So how come you’re not in there with Alina? I would have thought this was the perfectly romantic time for a proposal.” I didn’t really mean to ask but the words came out anyway and I immediately focused very hard on the falling stars around us, pressing my lips tight together to avoid saying anything more.

“It is. That’s why I’m here.” I could feel his eyes on me but i kept mine fixed straight ahead. “(Y/N), Alina won’t marry me and I do not wish to marry her either.” I sighed and shut my eyes tightly. Why was I the only one around here capable of making sensible decisions?

“Nikolai…we’ve been over this. It’s not about what any of us want, it’s about what we have to do.”

“No. It’s not. I promised you I wouldn’t let this war or our country take you away from me and that is a promise I do not intend to break.”

“Please don’t make this harder than it needs to be.”

“You’re the one making it harder. I know you only want what’s best for Ravka and you think that’s Alina but you’re wrong. _You_  are what Ravka needs and Alina agrees with me.”

“She does?” Again I hadn’t meant to ask but a tiny, selfish spark of hope had lit up inside me.

“Yes, and you can’t argue with a saint.”

“I can try.”

“I’d like to see that. I’ve yet to win an argument against our lovely Alina.”

“I have.” I smirked.

“And my pride takes yet another blow.” He clutched his chest dramatically and I couldn’t help but laugh which was rewarded with a smile that made my heart stutter. But then he was serious again.

“(Y/N),” he reached out to brush back some of my hair, letting his hand linger on my cheek as he looked at me like I was his whole world. “I love you, as I’ve never loved another before and will never love another again. You are everything to me. My strength, my light, my life. I never wish to part from you. I don’t know what lies ahead or if we’ll even live to see this war end but wherever this path leads there’s only one I want walking it beside me. For the rest of my life, there’s no one I want to to spend it with but you.” He dropped to one knee and pulled the ring from his pocket. I was suddenly finding it incredibly difficult to breathe. Tears gathered in my eyes, blurring my vision as Nikolai took my shaking hands in his.

“You don’t have to say yes but my heart is yours as long as it continues beating and there is nothing in this world that would make me happier than you becoming my wife. (Y/N), my love, my life, will you marry me?”

And in the quiet of the night, with only the stars to bear witness, I choked out the words I’d never allowed myself to dream I’d get to say. “Yes, Nikolai…I’ll marry you.”


End file.
